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A BOOMER’S JOURNAL 

By Tom Anselm 

We went on vacation last week, and I had some time to think about the state of the nation. So with that in mind, I am announcing my candidacy for the office of President of the United States . Now I know it’s going to take a bunch of write-in votes, since I can’t get on any ballots at this late date, but hey, this is a democracy, and I know I can count on your vote next November. Right?

I should be an acceptable candidate for all sides, since I can produce my birth certificate and have not bought and closed any businesses. I have no money to run annoying media ads, no interest in twisting the truth to benefit my own needs, and will not solicit any cash, so there will be no special interests telling me what to do once I roll up to the 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue come next January. And really, don’t you agree that it’s time for a real change?

I hope so. So tell your friends. As for as my platform, well, here it be. Our economy is in a sorry state. To get it going, I propose that we slap a big fat tariff on everything that comes in to the US from another country. And since that covers a whole lot of stuff, we should be able to get a nice pile of ready cash into the treasury. That should knock down our debt and its accompanying interest payments.

But before I do this, I will give any company who has out-of country production facilities one year to relocate all that work back to existing US locations that have been closed. If they don’t do this, then “Say hallo to my leettle Tariff.” This should create heaps of job openings, and make such a dent in unemployment that any higher prices could be absorbed by more wage-earners.

I further propose that before members of Congress can spend even a nickel of our tax money, they must get the written approval of their children. Kind of like a “reverse permission slip.” Especially since these are the poor souls who are going to be picking up the tab in decades to come.

A legislator with no kids? I got six you can borrow. How about education? There’s all this talk about how bad public schools are, that teachers are only in it for the pensions and the three months off in the summer, that we are falling behind the rest of the civilized world in achievement. So my idea here is to increase all teachers’ salaries by 50%, starting pay by 25%, and recruit the best and the brightest from high schools with this carrot to enter education.

Make schools Kindergarten through 8th grade free for all kids, no matter public or private, no strings attached. Keep control local, but all the money comes from the Federal Treasury (see “big fat tariffs”, above). And there’s more money to be gotten from my Foreign Policy proposals, which I just thunk up. Really. Just now.

Bring all soldiers in combat areas home in one year. Most places where, in my lifetime, we have been losing American lives are lands where the inhabitants have been killing each other off for dozens of generations.

Then we stuck our noses in there, usually following some other super power who also couldn’t figure it out. I propose we let the locals fight it out, and just stay out of the way. Think of the savings. An Abrams tank costs $4 million, an F18 nearly $30 million. Can you imagine how many Smartboards and laptops we could get for kids for the cost of just one of those guys? Too simplistic, you may be saying? Okay, so it may be. But is what we’ve been doing working? Huh?

What about the immigrant issue? Well, everyone wants a better life for themselves and their families, and we should give them that chance. You don’t see people leaving the States to find this. No, they come here, from countries all over the globe. So here’s the deal. Come on in, you’ve got six months to find a job. Stay with some friends or family for that time, if you have to. Get a work permit, get that job, then you get to become a citizen. If you can’t find work, I’m terribly sorry, but you must leave. We are not the land of guarantee; we are the land of opportunity.

Social security, Medicare and Medicaid… what to do about these programs? I say we gotta keep them going, and not just because I’m getting one and in the hopper for another. We will always have poor people, the Bible says so. We are going to have more and more older folks as well. The United States has always been a nation guided by benevolence. Who’s the first kid on the block to send aid no matter where the disaster? So now we take care of our own.

It’s a sign of a great people. Which we are. Oh, and one more thing, this suggested by the future First Lady, the lovely Jill. Bring back prayer in schools.

So as I contemplate free jumbo jet rides to wherever I want to go, a cool helicopter that drops me off on my front lawn, and that neat big white house four years rent-free, I humbly ask that you thoughtfully consider my positions. But I must not tarry, for I must begin my quest for a running mate and potential cabinet members. Hmmm. I wonder if Steve Martin would be interested in Secretary of State