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A Boomer’s Journal

By Tom Anselm

Yeah, you read that right. We are headed to the white beaches of Destin in August, so that means I have about four months to get the abs in shape and the guns a-firing.

Now, you may be thinking (and heck, I can’t blame you if you are) “oh, dude… give it up. You’re getting the senior discount on everything from golf to car washes, the old skin ain’t as taut as it used to be, what with the ‘creepy-crepey’ look dominating, and them wheels need to be iced more often than you brush your teeth.”

All true statements, I give you that. I don’t deny the plain and simple fact of life that the aging-process has taken its toll. I have facial-derma to spare (call 1-800-GIVE ME SOME SKIN if in need), my knees are both going south, and if you have never seen my right ankle, well, let’s just say it’s not something you would want to gaze upon while eating. But even as I dwell in the Magical Land of Seniordom, there are some things that can still be accomplished, body-wise.

A quick Interweb checks of exercise and nutrition programs available yields an overwhelming miasma of opportunities to spend lots of cash (credit cards accepted) on equipment that looks like it could be used by the CIA instead of waterboarding, nutritional supplements that offer everything from belly-flattening to eye lifts to male enhancement to an end to knee pain to smaller ears to more hair growth on your head instead of on your back. (Okay… the discriminating reader may be doubting the ‘smaller ears’… I made that one up, to see if you’re paying attention. As per usual, I digress.)

The majority of these are just ways to generate expensive urine, or in the worst case for a guy my age, to induce an exercise-related stroke. But there are a few ideas which can be useful, some which I have referred to in the past like tai chi, and some new ideas that are worth the “one-time payment of just $59.99 plus shipping and handling which includes a proven nutritional plan and easy-to-use instructional DVD” just to see if something clicks.

As I begin this quest, I know I will not result in looking like the guys in the ads. I honestly doubt that these models got their cut, rock-hard abs and bulging biceps from just doing a combination of Pilates and yoga. They definitely have some GNC-type addition to their daily regimen, and weight training is surely in their history. But I’m not going for that look. Besides, that would mean I would have to get new clothes, and then what would I do with those in my closet that can last me the next 20 years?

What I am really shooting for is to lose some L.B.s from the ‘old navel yard’, tighten up the tummy-tum, and get the ‘Ceps Twins, Bi and Tri, up to par.

Oh, yeah, and knock off the sugar.

What, no sugar? Most reliable sources, Interweb notwithstanding, list refined sugar as the greatest culprit in America’s epidemic of obesity. I’m talking about fruit juices, donuts, pastries, ice cream, Snickers, Paydays, M & M’s. That’s called sugar, right here in River City. I’ve become an inveterate label reader these last 10 years, trying to keep my blood pressure down with a low-sodium diet call DASH. (For those with moderate blood pressure issues, look it up. It works, really.) And so I have become amazed to see just how much sugar is in products as ‘healthy” as Gatorade and O.J.

So I am planning on a gradual elimination of Demon Sugar from my input, at least for the next four months. Given that I am that check-out-line-grab-a-Snickers-for-the-ride-home kind of guy, this will be a challenge. And you know the old saying … “the best laid plans of mice and men.”

The lovely Jill and I were talking about this last night. We realize it is a good thing to be as healthy as possible, even though one never knows what the next day may bring. You may not live longer, but at least you will feel and look better while you do. Therefore, it’s worth a try. Maybe I can knock that 12-pack down to a respectable 7 or 8 by beach time.

(Tom welcomes responses to tjanselm@sbcglobal.net. And check out his old buddy Otis “on the youtube”… This Here’s Otis.)

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