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A Million Ways to Die in the West: Wasted Potential and Disappointment
By Sandra Olmstead
About the only thing “western” about this travesty of a movie is that it was beautifully shot in Monument Valley by cinematographer Michael Barrett; however, it would be nigh impossible to make Monument Valley look bad. Given the rest of this movie’s problems, it’s surprising that this iconic landscape, made famous by director John Ford in Stagecoach, looks good.
Clearly, writer, producer, and director Seth MacFarlane knows nothing more about the long tradition of the Hollywood Western than the most superficial tropes. Furthermore, what could have been an exceptional exploration of and riff on the genre becomes instead a one-note comedy with annoying, misogynistic plot holes that could accommodate the entire transcontinental railroad. Co-written by MacFarlane, Alec Sulkin, and Wellesley Wild, the script’s modern dialogue comes off as lazy, rather than funny, after the initial shock of the character speaking like modern-day slackers. MacFarlane simply did not do his homework and really analyze the best American westerns, such as those by Ford.
MacFarlane also stars as Albert, a spineless sheep herder, who faces a cattle rancher in a gun duel in the opening sequence of the film. The inept Albert, who can’t shoot straight, talks his way out of the duel by promising to pay the rancher for his sheep-destroyed grasslands, which would have been a lot of money. Albert’s apparent cowardice, however, causes his girlfriend Louise (Amanda Seyfried) to dump him for the mustached Foy (Neil Patrick Harris). Albert raising the money for the payment disappears as quickly as it was introduced, which was the only the beginning of plot problems that plague this movie.
Fortunately, Albert has best friend Edward (Giovanni Ribisi) and his girlfriend Ruth (Sarah Silverman) for support. Unfortunately, these characters embody the worst of the one-note jokes that populate this movie. While Edward and Ruth, both professing to be Christians, “save” themselves until they marry, Ruth works as a prostitute in the saloon, which doesn’t seem to bother Edward. Even this subplot has no satisfying resolution in the movie.
Meanwhile, outlaw Clinch (Liam Neeson) tells his wife Anna (Charlize Theron) and Lewis (Evan Jones), a henchmen assigned to watch her, to hide out in the Old Stump, Albert’s home town, because Clinch has some thievin’ and killin’ to do. Shortly after Lewis and Anna arrive, pretending to be brother and sister, Lewis kills the preacher’s son for no reason and ends up in jail, leaving the unhappily-married Anna free to do as she wishes. She sees lovelorn Albert’s plight regarding Louise and offers to help him win her back.
Eventually, Albert, who can’t shoot, challenges Foy to a duel, and Anna must teach Albert to shoot in just a week. The night before the duel, Foy, Albert, and the rest of the men folk engage in an unnaturally inserted dance number supposedly inspired by the ones in Seven Brides for Seven Brothers and rumored to have been played on the set. Although dancing was a major part of frontier life, MacFarlane’s use of it doesn’t ring true.
While the fact that Anna is a better shot than any of the men should lead to some interesting plot twists, she only runs away from many opportunities to pick off the abusive husband she hates and his dastardly henchmen. These misogynistic plot twists only extend the flaccid story needlessly.
Unfortunately, the movie has much worse problems. Unlike John Ford’s commentary on race in America in The Searchers, MacFarlane uses race as the butt of his humor. No filmmaker can negate the racism in his film by have a main character say, “that seems uncalled for” after showing African American slaves depicted as “pickaninnies” and as the targets in a shooting gallery. The final scene in the movie and its black gunslinger killing the shooting gallery operator is also a hollow attempt to negate the racist images. Although the Apaches get portrayed better than the African Americans, the movie’s next to the last scene provides insults to both Jews and Muslims for no apparent reason.
A Universal Pictures release, A Million Ways to Die in the West opens in theaters May 30. It is rated R for strong crude and sexual content, language throughout, some violence and drug material and runs a dastardly 116 minutes. It is no Cat Ballou, a real western and a comedy!
More of Olmsted’s reviews are available at <www.thecinematicskinny.com>.
